Accountable Communication

How often do we wait, wait for the right time, the right moment, wait until the kids are older, waiting for my divorce to come through, waiting until Christmas is over, waiting for the summer… wait…wait…wait until it’s all too late and you’ve lost what you wanted or the outcome or you have an illness, just waiting , waiting until the unpredictable future has taken it out of your hands and it’s too late. Save, save money, save for this and save for that but in the mean time life is passing you by and in the end it’s all too late anyway and then resentment kicks in, regret kicks in but fuck it, it doesn’t matter because I’m, you’re far too arrogant/ignorant to accept that mortal responsibility.

Be human, be kind, be thoughtful and be happy and stop waiting, waiting for this and that because this and that … well this and that, it’s too late, it’;s already gone, it’s lost and that’s it. Now it’s just you and your ignorance side by side with your arrogance.

She smiled, she was at peace, she was content as she turned to face the audience and bowed for the very last time. ‘Am I done now’ she whispered to herself as she bowed to the non existent crowd. Yes came the answer from deep within, ‘you are done’ you can rest now, close your eyes and be gone.

We thank you for your service and now years are upon you and nothing can be done so go there to the waiting room and await your turn. She turned away from the lonely stage and with her head held high she found a chair in the waiting room. Eyes closed, she listened to the softly spoken voice ‘how was the ride ?’ Without hesitation I replied, calmly, ‘It was a ride, it was up and then it was down’ I paused ‘There were some lovely bits but there were lots of sad bits, lonely bits, but I grew and I grew and then I tried to grow but I couldn’t grow anymore, I stopped growing and I felt that my soul was empty’ …. ‘So’ spoke the voice inquisitively ‘May I ask’ then came a pause ‘would you like to stay or would you like to go ?’ unfazed I replied ‘Do I have a choice ?’ ‘Of course’ came the reply we always have a choice, but before you reply, be mindful, I can only take your first answer, it cannot be changed but understand this, you are loved.

We are the engine shining bright when we stop everything stops. Don’t slow down, don’t regress, society won’t like it, your mother in law won’t like it. Do the laundry, cook the food, cook his food that’s what you’re for. Men don’t do that that’s not what they do, I had in my ear. I did not know we were stuck in the dark ages. Shush your mouth and don’t complain do your work woman.

A brief glimpse by Rebecca

Twisting, turning, in the middle of the valley, either side of me steep sloped grassy giant banks. I’m deep between them. The sun is shining bright and the sky a brilliant blue. I’m creating my own path as I dance on through. In the distance I see a forest, the closer I get the clearer it becomes. The trees leaning into each other deep in conversation. They have created an arch way for me to walk on through. I hear them whispering, swooshing and swaying, debating as they look down on me.

Forever there racing through my mind, I can’t switch off and I dance from here to there. I’m up and I’m down, I can’t switch off, I can be really up. I’ve always considered myself an optimist but this last year has been one of the toughest and I’ve had a lonely battle with me and myself. Through it all somehow I’ve managed to navigate myself to here still in this life but at times I’ve not wanted to be and the reason I’m still here is maybe because I’ve been too afraid to fail at attempting not to be. Mental health is talked about and there are so many wonderful charities out there but people talk and people listen but how many people are still afraid of the blunt truthfulness of how low someone can feel. No one really knows what’s happening inside of someone else, we all have thoughts but thoughts are only thoughts. What you think someone else thinks isn’t necessarily so and your assumption of someone else’s thoughts are also just thoughts, it’s a wonderful web we weave in our minds. There is a saying ‘No one sits high enough to judge anyone else’ and that is absolutely the truth. We post on social media ‘ the doors open’ ‘The kettles always on’ and yet the suicide rate increases and people talk and chat and bitch and isolate each other. Those closest to you can isolate you the most. I’ve noticed in life that those who inspire me the most are usually strangers, people I read about. Those who you think would be there for you are the furthest from you.

Life’s a journey and as long as you can keep going, you’ll come through, maybe even with a smile on your face. Find something or someone to believe in and take each moment by exactly that. Don’t overwhelm yourself with getting through the day or the morning just get through each hour if need be, just break it all down and eventually you will come through, along the way building yourself a mental tool kit to guide you through the next bit. Find your people or your person, find the right ones for you and forget the rest. Focus yourself on you and take the time to build. Listen to self help. Anything you don’t relate to switch off, there is so much out there so many inspirational people, books, podcasts just keep going.

I have zero qualifications in this field, I’m just a human going through life for the first time.

Belief

Sometimes you’re there bold and beautiful. Sometimes I have to search for you. I feel you in me through hard decisions, you help me navigate my way through life and I am forever grateful I have you and that you are there. I’ve never really lost you and because I allowed you in I’ve felt myself grow and gained strength from you. I’d be lost without you, I feel you by my side and when I need you I hear you whisper to me. I hear you there by my side. I am forever thankful.

Sadness

Each time you come to me I build my wall higher. I strengthen and I am thankful that you visit me, I grow from you. You’ve taken so much away but my resilience is strong. My tears are replaced with blankness as I learn to control my emotions. 

You creep into my space before I’ve had time to bat you away, sometimes I’m prepared and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes you are there and I’m ok and sometimes you catch me and I am unaware and I’m not ready for you but you don’t care. Each time you leave me I feel stronger than when you came to me. Each time you visit me I learn something new. I feel like you are steering me but I’m not sure where I’m heading. You work together with happiness and all the other emotions but I wish I knew where I was going.